Again, I find myself terribly lax on writing. I should rectify that, but there doesn't seem as much point, these days. Who is going to read this, other than myself?
I'm back on Persephone now. It was a hard choice to make... Leaving Gilt and Anjali has to be one of the most heart-breaking things I've ever done. I still care for him, a great deal. I know he would have let me stay, even if I did stop servicing clients, but...
Analyzing my actions. It all leads back to the same thing.
Hezekiah was unhappy with my staying there.
Why is it that I want to live my life to please him so much? With all my training, all the methods to make people want me, to love me and, in the end, to do what I want... Why is it that I've ended up being so dependent and reliant on a Shepherd? A man who I love, desperately and completely, who can never feel the same way? I wish I understood it better. He's warm, and kind, and so often thinks of other people above himself. He hates his flaws, but he wouldn't be mo huelyn without them. He pushes me away and he pulls me closer, sings to me and argues with me. He looks after me, but he doesn't look after himself. How can I ever explain to him why I feel as I do?
And now... I looked it up. I look things up so often. He has a... mental condition. One that leads to violent mood swings, which can be brought on by stress. He was getting better, and now he's learned that his love, Tris... she's still alive, and in pain. I'm so afraid that he'll try and go to her, try and free her. I don't know if I could go on without him. And Saxon... I knew he wasn't all he seemed, wasn't precisely good, but I had no idea...
I could help, I know I could. The Sheriff... he loves women, loves using them. I could make myself so vulnerable... but I promised Hezekiah that I wouldn't. When I promised it, I intended to break it, to go to Athens anyway. I would do anything to help him. But now that it comes to it... I feel sick at the idea of him thinking I lied to him. I don't know if I can do it, even if the opportunity arises.
Then there is Captain Chi-Ling. I barely know him, but I feel... it's an odd connection. Perhaps it's because he also loves somebody who he can't have. Maybe it's because I feel so lonely and he offers comfort. I'm not sure. Whatever the cause, I now have even more reason to be around the Nephele's Whip. Even if Azura's man - Doyle - is acting so strangely. Perhaps I can help.
I just need to make it back home for my shifts at the bar. I don't want to lose my job, now that I've only just started.
I still have the nightmares. More, now that I spend my nights alone. I wish I knew how to make them stop, both when I sleep and when I'm awake. Perhaps I should see a medical professional, although I am loathe to. I have no wish to be put on medication.
I think I'll go and cook something for the crew. It's cathartic, performing simple tasks.
I hope Hezekiah returns soon.