To: Hezekiah Armor-of-God Waterhouse, Nephele's Whip.
Sent: 14th June, 2519
Format: Text Only
I had a dream last night.
I was being chased by shoes.
It sounds silly, but I was, and it was frightening. They had daggers, instead of heels, and they were trying to hit me in the face. They ran behind me all the way through the streets to Gilt, and I dived through the door. Anjali and Dorian were there, and they threw drinks at the shoes, so that they were ruined. Then you came out and flailed at them, and they went away. I'll not tell you what happened next, as you are far too innocent and would probably be horrified at it.
I took it to keep it safe. First of all because you were sleeping, and I was going to give it to you in the morning. Then the next day... Mo Huelyn, you hacked at your hair, and your eyes were blank. You smashed a mirror with a wrench... All you needed to do then was destroy pretty clothes and mess up your make-up and it would have been the complete set of horrifying.
I kept it so you wouldn't tear it up. I can only hope that one day you will understand.
I kept it so I would have something to hold over you. I'm selfish and I admit it. When I was a child, I had everything I asked for. My parents were seldom home, and my nanny was too scared to deny me, in case I screamed. I'm sure you can imagine how fearsome my childhood screaming could be. Sihnon tempered me somewhat, but I still have that streak of wanting my own way. So I took it, so that you would have to come to me for it. So that you couldn't harm yourself so much that you wouldn't be able to.
Did I ever tell you exactly why I left Sihnon? I don't think I did.
It was a few days before my last test, the one that would grant me my Companion License. I already had some black marks by my name, from shouting at people and losing my temper. I knew that if I received one more, I would be expelled. There was a girl, a younger one than I, who had recently entered the training program. She was from Londinium, as high class as one can be. She was with some friends, telling them about the other girls she had met, and how they should not be there because they were from Border planets. I could see one of them was getting upset, so I moved over there to tell the girl to watch her tongue. Just as I did, she made a rather disparaging remark about Persephone, and the people that come from there. And I slapped her, across the face. She burst into tears, and she went to one of the Mistresses.
So, that was the end of it. I maintain that it was by choice, but... It was because I could not control my temper. Because I tend to think of myself, before others. It is just recently that it changed.
Fields of gold, Mo Huelyn. I remember how you stopped on that one stanza, because you were embarrassed. I still had grass down my blouse when I got undressed for bed.
If you do become somebody different, I will still remember. I will always.
I need to end this now, because it is getting late. I have responsibilities here, as Narcissus reminded me, and I neglected them enough.
I am going to play the piano, and sing of things that I don't understand.